Having your grandmother(dads mom) at the hospital and not knowing about it is not a good feeling at all...after she came visit us 2 weeks ago we hadn't heard from her....today she called...she called that if the ambulance wouldn't come to her on Friday..she would probably died next day...but luckily she didn't...dad knew about all of it..that she i in the hospital...he decided to keep it to himself and live on.....today she called...crying..that she wants to see us..Tjaša and me and my mom for the last time...that everybody is visiting her except us...that she only want to see us and we are not coming....

TOO BAD and incredibly unethical and just disgusting thing dad did....he kept that my grandmother is dying at the hospital for himself....
grandma said she was there on Saturday and Sunday to visit her...he should tell us and take us with him..its OUR grandmother for the fucking sake! MY GRANDMOTHER .. you disgust me...thinking of only yourself....if anything happened to her.. I am blaming you for not seeing her....

tomorrow we are going to visit her...me,tjaša and mom...we wont tell dad...
I love my grandmother..she was always kind to me and I respect her....but she raised her son terribly...maybe it not her fault...its more of..the lack of a  father figure...

I just know I am not prepared to say goodbye...I never lost anyone close to me...anyone...I don't know how to deal with grief....

I just know I am not ready...not yet...I love you

back to today....My grandmother...my dads mother....she is having cancer.... I have never lost anyone in my life...except my sister who I didnt know... she was gone before I was born....so i have no diea how do I deal with the pain of loosing someone close

My grandma loves me...and I love her... I cant say she was always good to me or my mom...but i know she loves me...when my mom got my beloved sister who passed ....she told my mom to quickly get away from the apartment cuz she cant stand a noises of a crying baby....

since that my mom hasnt had a good relationship with her...

well my grandma is really in bad condition...cancer in her lungs,livers and she is really frail...

She came to visit us last weekend said...she wanted to because she doesnt have a good feeling..and it may be the last time she sees us ....

she was really fragile... with one complaint she had....that she is not feeling well..my dad tarted yelling at her that she is stupid and whining all the time ...stuff like that

my dad often yells on her mom...alot...for everything wrong she yeels at her..when she forgot how to call someone on the mobile phone ,he yelled...when she said she cant visit us cuz she is not feeling good..he yelled...

after this week i hadnt heard from her since...till today

dad wasnt even that good enough to tell us...me and my sister..or mom that our grandmother is in hospital...for a serious operation....

we had to find out from one of my grandmothers friends...

I started this blog to confess things I cant confess to anyone else...not my friends..no my family...not even my boyfriend...cuz i dont want to worry them....

with that I guess i confessed I am gay...well I dont know what I am..i hate putting lables on people...even myself..

No one knows..and I wont like to put off that burden till the right time comes ....

I wish this wont be my last post... I wish I will come back...

But for now...Goodbye

G

My mom never imagined life a she has now...being a slave to her husband...sleeping on a small couch....cooking and cleaning then getting yelled and beaten up..... embarrassment of what others thing.....

She told me today..she has to put fake smiles on every day...but the thing she wants to do is cry...and cry all the time...

that it hurts to stand there and listen to her friends and coworkers talk about where they went with their husband and how fun they had together...when my mom doesnt have anything good to add...and she has to lie and say stuff that sometimes embarrass her..

My mom is a beautiful women...inside and out.... she doesnt desever anything like this...she deserves much more....she told us that she had many guys when she was young that she could end up with that are great guys today....happy guys...

and that she didnt ...cuz she was in love with my dad....

today..she is sad...and thinking what a fool she was...she regrets every moment with him

but she would do it all over again,she says....because of us...me and my sister..

My mom is my heart... is my love..is my whole life... She means everything to me..and it hurts...

hurt to see her like this....

One day will come when I can bring back the smile..the real smile...on her face....thats the day I will take her away from here..and the day she wont see him again...

thats the day that we all will be happy

G

Beginning

Life Doesnt always turn out what u plan to be....Like my mom said... She had a chance to get out....everyone told her to go...my grandma said " Go now while you have a chance.Now nothing ties you to him...go!" but she didnt listen....

My mom calles it fate...but its not fate...its foolishness and blindness..

Before my grandma said what I said earlier ..my mom was pregnant with a girl..... supposedly she looked like me...blue eyes...blond hair....white teeths..well everyone has white teeth...hmm... back to the topic..yea

after she was born in 1993 on December 14th she stayed awake for few more weeks till she feel back asleep because she couldnt catch a breath anymore.....my mom was devastated.everyone was...

You never really get over a death of your first daughter..you never get over a death of your kid....

After few weeks..my mom and dad had an argument and they split up.....my grandma and everyone told her to go away because now is the chance...but mom didnt listen....

mom went back....where after a year she got pregnant with two beautiful twins...my sister and me...

when we were born...my mom was happy...she still is...she thinks we are the blessing send from god because when she lost one child now she gained two...

My mom is a great women...a women who honestly wouldnt hurt anyone..who would give the last penny in her beg to someone to make his day better...my mom is an angel...

At the night we were born she asked my dad to buy some water for her and some diapers for us....

insted he went to the bar and celebrated our birth with friends...leaving mom alone...she then called my granddad who took care of us..bought us stuff we need....

my grandad...an angel...well my grandmom and mom describeh im as very stricht when they were a kid....and my grandma..uff she gets angry at him every minute....she is an amzing cook and he is the only one who doesnt compiments her on her cooking..and she get angry.showing him fingers and tongue when he goes...funny guys :D

but I see my grandad as a great person...he makes me smile and he always has a good advice...

If i can call anyone my dad / father it would be him..no one else

I kinda lost myself with where I was going but I will find and collect my though again...

There is so much that needs to be told...but lets consider this as a beginning...

With love and respect

G

The Beginning

But with everything there must be a start...there must a beginning of some kind...and this is mine...

Today my mom came to me crying about having no one to tell this to.. she doent want to tell my grandmother becouse she will worry...he mother in law isn't an option either...and she doent want to tell her friends...My mom works at the store...she doesnt have much salary but what every she earnes she gives to dad to pay the bills and other things to us...me and my sister...

Today she told me that she cant livel iek this for long..she bagged and cried in front of me..she begged god that he inflict my dad with some kind of accident that would make him not ever come back....might be cruel lie she told me...but its not...its the best thing for all of us...

MY father or whoever this person is...has been since day one a terrible person...he beats up my mom....my sister and me....

he gets angry by every little thing....he is not satisfied with anything.....

my mom has not slept in her room in years now becouse he threw her out..she is sleeping in the couch for a long time now.....she doesnt have a room...

she cooks,cleans,and does everything thats needed to be done...while my dad is on computer watching tv,get up,eats and goes back to sleep...

when something is wrong....like trash not taken out before they are full ..he would get angry...threw the trash and hit someone...thats his way of showing u who is the boss

he told my mom today she is not living here...that she is nothing but a tenant to her.....

my mom...my angelic mom...she is near the breakdown.... I am scared she will do something to her.....and there is nothing that I can do about it....

maybe thats not a beggining ...there is so much that needs to be said....so much that needs to be heard...and so much that I feel I have to answer

But Thats How Far I Came

G

That How Far I Came

After a day I had...something triggered in me to start a blog...

to tell someone even if no one is listening...to look back at it one day and to be proud on myself on how far I came...

My life was never sunny or made in flowers....my life ..my childhood was ruined by a person I have to call my father.

Since the moment I was born he was nothing but a person who caused pain on me and my family...It hurts... It hurts to see how far things have come...but I smile of the things I went through.

My dad is a person who I dont have a tiny bit respect for....a person who I feel pity for...a person who I have nothing but hatred for...my ....my...my nothing.

After the day I had..I realize this cant go on for much long....It hurts to see my mom crying ...it hurts to see no one cares....

My mom...an angel...a true angel...Today she came to me in tears

I am scared.....there is so much you need to know to understand anything I said....so much everyone needs to understand but I just cant find a way to put it in words....

This is NOT a blog about happiness....this is NOT a blog about happy endings.......this is NOT a blog about forgiveness....this is a blog about family and hard things we went through and a blog about me...my life...my day...because at the end of it all....There is me...standing here...and me who will look back and say *Thats how far I came*

G