My love

I was watching this drama TV show ....and there was a quote there..that reminded me of ..... you Nicky ...

*Bay, You are the one place in my life I can go to get away from everything. My island in the sea of divorce.
The island of Bay.*


You are my rock.... I am living in your island ...Nic's island... Island of Nic...surrounded by the sea of my parents fighting,my drama...

You are the only place I feel welcomed and safe at.


Thank you for that...
I love you with everything that I am..

I love you

Lost in the darkness and tears

After almost 2 months of keeping my peace...and trying to step away... I decided to ... pour out what i feel again.

A lot has happened in this two months... I am still going strong with my lovely boyfriend...but more on a serious site...an Asthma was confirmed for me.

A bad asthma.. I have check ins every 3 months...medications 2 a day...for the rest of my life...

It sucks..it absolutely does..

Especially when u have a father at home..who cares absolutely nothing about you.

I got a little coughing attack today...it was almost nothing.
When you have him come to my room for making noise and hitting you for that...you start to think..
I am worthless...what can I do..how can I control that...ITs hard... definitely hard...

I am just a teenager...i shouldn't be going thru stuff like this so early on...so quick...
I shouldn't have grown up in fear of someone..grown up with a terrible childhood...

All i can remember is my times with grandma and mom...then days..when i was a kid...when he hit me...
Me crying in my room for hours...me ... asking and begging him to stop...him threatening me...

All those memories are so much bigger in my mind then happy ones...

And today...today..him doing this...for his own sake...its...sad..

Sometimes I loose hope for me...but there is so much that keeps me going on.

I dont want that for me.. I really dont..but all I can say to myself...

I want to go... I want to leave...I want to run...

I just want peace....
Here..In earth.. I will never ever take my life if thas what you are wondering.. I just
need to find a way...some way to leave this place...as soon as possible..cuz dealing with me...my life..my problmes..my heatl...and my father...Its too big of a burden that i have to handle...

My mom doesn't..no one doesn't do it for me
My mom is afraid...I am afraid...

So i end up protecting myself...healing my wound....hiding it from people....making lies...
when everyone around me is ignoring it....

I just want to leave...

I am happy I found someone to bring smile to my face.. I really am...Even if he is miles away from me..he is my light in the darkness...literally...
My life is nothing but darkness...
Ignoring.. painful...scaring darkness..

... sometimes its hard to handle it on my own...with no help....with no hands...but my own...

I know I have him...but still I am alone here..

I want to leave this place...I am scared... hopeless...and unhappy... I am miserable..

I love you my sunshine,thank you for being always near me...with me...thank you for still staying with me even with that huge baggage i am bearing...thank you for loving me...