After almost 2 months of keeping my peace...and trying to step away... I decided to ... pour out what i feel again.
A lot has happened in this two months... I am still going strong with my lovely boyfriend...but more on a serious site...an Asthma was confirmed for me.
A bad asthma.. I have check ins every 3 months...medications 2 a day...for the rest of my life...
It sucks..it absolutely does..
Especially when u have a father at home..who cares absolutely nothing about you.
I got a little coughing attack today...it was almost nothing.
When you have him come to my room for making noise and hitting you for that...you start to think..
I am worthless...what can I do..how can I control that...ITs hard... definitely hard...
I am just a teenager...i shouldn't be going thru stuff like this so early on...so quick...
I shouldn't have grown up in fear of someone..grown up with a terrible childhood...
All i can remember is my times with grandma and mom...then days..when i was a kid...when he hit me...
Me crying in my room for hours...me ... asking and begging him to stop...him threatening me...
All those memories are so much bigger in my mind then happy ones...
And today...today..him doing this...for his own sake...its...sad..
Sometimes I loose hope for me...but there is so much that keeps me going on.
I dont want that for me.. I really dont..but all I can say to myself...
I want to go... I want to leave...I want to run...
I just want peace....
Here..In earth.. I will never ever take my life if thas what you are wondering.. I just
need to find a way...some way to leave this place...as soon as possible..cuz dealing with me...my life..my problmes..my heatl...and my father...Its too big of a burden that i have to handle...
My mom doesn't..no one doesn't do it for me
My mom is afraid...I am afraid...
So i end up protecting myself...healing my wound....hiding it from people....making lies...
when everyone around me is ignoring it....
I just want to leave...
I am happy I found someone to bring smile to my face.. I really am...Even if he is miles away from me..he is my light in the darkness...literally...
My life is nothing but darkness...
Ignoring.. painful...scaring darkness..
... sometimes its hard to handle it on my own...with no help....with no hands...but my own...
I know I have him...but still I am alone here..
I want to leave this place...I am scared... hopeless...and unhappy... I am miserable..
I love you my sunshine,thank you for being always near me...with me...thank you for still staying with me even with that huge baggage i am bearing...thank you for loving me...
I am so sorry that you find yourself in such a desperate situation, it tears out my heart to read your sadness. I wish I could offer you more than just these words, however, you know that you are loved, that people a world away do care for you a great deal. You also have shown such amazing strength in getter through life so well, so bravely already, that you should be proud of yourself.
ReplyDeleteI know you will have tremendous happiness in your life, you just need to remain as strong as possible until that time comes. You are a wonderful and lovely person and my heart aches for you.
You shouldn't be experiencing this is not how you treat your children let alone animals.I am A DAD .... You are not at fault, the problem is not you at all. I am so sorry you having to deal with this, it breaks my heart. I WANT JUST TO YANK YOU OUT OF YOUR SITUATION...BUT Unforgivably that not a option. I been seeing how you react to people and trust me your worthy, deserve so much more. Dude none of your actions or anything you did justify his actions! He is sick... You didn't cause any of how you being treated. Know there are people out there that like, love , and want so much more for you. I know this doesn't fix anything. I would urge you to find help other than your mom. But I do know sometimes the help is worst ( can only speak for America Laws) I also have Asthma, that not going to get better with all the stress you are under ... WHICH NONE OF THIS YOU HAVE ANY FREAKING CONTROL. You are not worthless far from it! cont.
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