That's what Nic did when he was 16 and showed me so I thought  I would do it. 65 questions. Are you ready?

READY... SET... GO

1. First thing you wash in the shower?

My chest. I start with really hot water so I get used to it... I kinda stand in the shower ..washing my chest for around 15 minutes.The I move to other parts.

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?

Black.

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Never kissed anyone.

4. Do you plan outfits every day?.

Nope. I just open the closet, pick the first things there and throw others behind.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?

Sick but happy.

6. What’s the closest thing to you that's red?

There red pen behind me.And a  red pan in my left.

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?

Today I dreamt about being In Australia and racing somewhere, being in a shop buying milk .... 4 liters, 3,5 liters and some bonbons and my friends mom giving me a 10 euros.

8. Did you meet anybody new today?

Not yet.

9. What are you craving right now?

Fruit. Lots and lots of fruit. Watermelon.

10. Do you floss?

Nope.

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?

A cultivated plant eaten as a vegetable, having thick green or purple leaves surrounding a spherical heart or head of young leaves. Just kidding. Sex.

12. Are you emotional?

Very much so.

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000?

Probably, but I don't really remember.Maybe when I was a kid and didn't have anything interesting to do.

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?

Bite, licking is too slow. Few bites and its GONE.

15. Do you like your hair?

Sometimes. I don't know what I like. A little of gel and I like it.

16. Do you like yourself?

Sometimes. I like myself now.

17. Would you go out to eat with George Bush?

Sure. If he pays me lunch. I am not paying for his. As long as there is food I am up for lunch with anyone.

18. What are you listening to right now?

Stuck like Glue- Sugarland

19. Are your parents strict?

Dad yes. Mom not really. Maybe at times she is.

20. Would you go sky diving?

Very much so. I would be scared as shit but I could make it happen.

21. Do you like cottage cheese?

I like cheese. I don't know what cottage cheese is but yes I think I do.

22. Have you ever met a celebrity?

Yes. A few. But I don't know whats considered as "met". I even have one small in my class.

23. Do you rent movies often?

Yes. Every time. Every time legally. EVERY single TIME.

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?

Probably but not on my side of the room. Maybe on my sisters side somewhere but currently I don't see anything.

25. How many countries have you visited?

Slovenia,Croatia,Austria,Italy,Great Britain. Does it count that I flied over France too or once that I was in the Salzburg cave tunnel and after we walked an hour or so, they said we are currently in Germany. If that all counts 7. If not 5.

26. Have you made a prank phone call?

Yes.All the time when I was a kid we called people pretended we were calling from a radio show and they won a motor bike and we gave them the address and everything and they said they will come. But address was invalid.

27. Ever been on a train?

Yes. No until recently tho. My first time on the train was a year ago. I have been on the train like three times.

28. Brown or white eggs?

Brown.Never had white yet. But is there a difference? Egg is an egg.

29. Do you have a cell-phone?

I have an iPhone .. bitch :P

30. Do you use chap stick?

Yes.I do.

31. Do you own a gun?

Big one :P

32. Can you use chop sticks?

I am not sure, but I think I could work something up. Would love to try to eat something with them.

33. Who are you going to be with tonight?

My big, beautiful and strong boyfriend Niclas.

34. Are you too forgiving?

Yes. Sometimes I am, I am angry but I forgive in an hour or so. pretty much everything.

35. Ever been in love?

Yes. Deep in love.

36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow?

Hmm I don't have one.

37. Ever have cream puffs?

Yes. I have. With marmalade. I usually buy them in a 12 pack and they are aweeeesome.

38. Last time you cried?

Yesterday. I am emotional okey!

39. What was the last question you asked?

What are creampuffs Nicky?

40. Favorite time of the year?

Fall. My birthday, weather is perfect, anniversary and I get to see friends in school again.

41. Do you have any tattoos?

Nope. I wouldn't mind having some. One or two. Small ones.

42. Are you sarcastic?

I hope so. I try to be, I don't know how I am succeeding tho.

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?

I have yes. I don't remember much of it but I know Ashton Kutcher goes to the past or something.

44.Ever walked into a wall?

Yes. Few times by mistake and few times for fun.

45. Favorite color?

Blue. Sky blue and white I love white too.

46. Have you ever slapped someone?

Yes. My sister a few times. She is my twin and really troublesome and annoying.

47. Is your hair curly?

Its not curly, but not really 100 % straight. Thank god.

48. What was the last CD you bought?

When I was little I bought an Eurovision CD. But with my moms money. But I bought it.

49. Do looks matter?

They do. Of course. Like at least 35%.

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater?

Hmm... I hope I am not ever put in that position.And I don't think I could.

51. Is your phone bill sky high?

Nope. Everyone knows sky has no limits. Duh. ;P My phone doesn't really have any limits so the bill cannot be high at all.

52. Do you like your life right now?

No. Not completely. Well I do like it but not love it.Its much much much better then any other time, but its not IT. But it will be soon. First step October then I will love it..not just like it

53. Do you sleep with the TV on?

Nope I don't. But even if the TV would be on I could fall asleep. But no, I sleep in a dark room, covered with blanket and windows opened.

54. Can you handle the truth?

Yes. I can always handle the truth even if its bad.

55. Do you have good vision?

Yes. I think so. I have a good eye for detail and I also see really far away.

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?

No. Not really. I kinda get over from disliking people in like a week. So no. I pretty much like everyone or I just dont care about them. But definitely not hate anyone.

57. How often do you talk on the phone?

Not that often.Maybe an hour once a week.

58. The last person you held hands with?

Probably some girl on our school party.

59. What are you wearing?

Just shorts and nothing else.

60.What is your favorite animal?

Monkeys. They look awesome and funny.

61. Where was your default picture taken at?

Home. In front of the mirror.

62. Can you hula hoop?

Nope. I tried once, failed miserably. I just don't know how to keep it going.

63. Do you have a job?

I wish. But no, I don't.

64. What was the most recent thing you bought?

Bonbons. Two packs of aweeesome bonbons.

65. Have you ever crawled through a window?

My love

I was watching this drama TV show ....and there was a quote there..that reminded me of ..... you Nicky ...

*Bay, You are the one place in my life I can go to get away from everything. My island in the sea of divorce.
The island of Bay.*


You are my rock.... I am living in your island ...Nic's island... Island of Nic...surrounded by the sea of my parents fighting,my drama...

You are the only place I feel welcomed and safe at.


Thank you for that...
I love you with everything that I am..

I love you

Lost in the darkness and tears

After almost 2 months of keeping my peace...and trying to step away... I decided to ... pour out what i feel again.

A lot has happened in this two months... I am still going strong with my lovely boyfriend...but more on a serious site...an Asthma was confirmed for me.

A bad asthma.. I have check ins every 3 months...medications 2 a day...for the rest of my life...

It sucks..it absolutely does..

Especially when u have a father at home..who cares absolutely nothing about you.

I got a little coughing attack today...it was almost nothing.
When you have him come to my room for making noise and hitting you for that...you start to think..
I am worthless...what can I do..how can I control that...ITs hard... definitely hard...

I am just a teenager...i shouldn't be going thru stuff like this so early on...so quick...
I shouldn't have grown up in fear of someone..grown up with a terrible childhood...

All i can remember is my times with grandma and mom...then days..when i was a kid...when he hit me...
Me crying in my room for hours...me ... asking and begging him to stop...him threatening me...

All those memories are so much bigger in my mind then happy ones...

And today...today..him doing this...for his own sake...its...sad..

Sometimes I loose hope for me...but there is so much that keeps me going on.

I dont want that for me.. I really dont..but all I can say to myself...

I want to go... I want to leave...I want to run...

I just want peace....
Here..In earth.. I will never ever take my life if thas what you are wondering.. I just
need to find a way...some way to leave this place...as soon as possible..cuz dealing with me...my life..my problmes..my heatl...and my father...Its too big of a burden that i have to handle...

My mom doesn't..no one doesn't do it for me
My mom is afraid...I am afraid...

So i end up protecting myself...healing my wound....hiding it from people....making lies...
when everyone around me is ignoring it....

I just want to leave...

I am happy I found someone to bring smile to my face.. I really am...Even if he is miles away from me..he is my light in the darkness...literally...
My life is nothing but darkness...
Ignoring.. painful...scaring darkness..

... sometimes its hard to handle it on my own...with no help....with no hands...but my own...

I know I have him...but still I am alone here..

I want to leave this place...I am scared... hopeless...and unhappy... I am miserable..

I love you my sunshine,thank you for being always near me...with me...thank you for still staying with me even with that huge baggage i am bearing...thank you for loving me...

Being left alone..is never something anyone wants..and i get to experiences it quite a few times...by my own mother...sister and my father...
when something happens like what happened today... I totally loose hope for everything..for me..my future and for me to ever get better....
Just having this pain inside me...the sadness..but also the angriness that grows inside me...
I feel helpless...Its gets worse when you have no one there at that moment who is willing to be there for you till you get better..who is willing to constantly try to bring back the smile.....I feel left alone.. I feel sad... I feel terrible..  I only hope somehow tomorrow gets better...somehow my mod changes...somehow..someone makes me happy... and I know it will...

At times like today... I feel hopeless... I feel sad... I feel lonely...

‎2011 is the year that went by so fast, maybe a little too fast. It's the year your so called friend walks out of your life, and it's the year u realise who the real ones are. it's the year you left the most pressure to the point where u gave up so many times but u're still learning how to get back up. it's the year u said u were going to accomplish great things yet u feel like u just wasted time. it's the year u cried over too many pointless things, too many times... it's the year u look back on all the lifetime memories in which u find yourself missing the people in them. But it's also the year u move on, slowly, and u realise that is okay. :)

Hi... I am still kinda new at this...I said to my boyfriend...if i can steal 10 minute from him..so i need to be quick....

I wanna recap my week...well my last few days...well not mine..my families....

Mom and Dad....arguing ALL the time...well dad is arguing on her..she has to be quiet...
so ...my mom doesnt get alot of salary...she works at the store...and everything she gets..she has to give for the bills and school and bus tickets...plus dad gives her 100 euros to pay for food...
dad decided to not give her any money anymore....my mom stopped buying food for him..today dad was pissed at her and threatened her that if she doesnt go buy some new bread(there is bread at home just 2 days old) she will see... I think i know what he meant by that..but lets  continue with this...

my mom wont buy a thing...she cant...she doesnt have the money...because my dad pays the pills on the pc...using my moms bank account..my mom wants to go to the back to cancel that...i recommended her not to..because....well that will make things worse...
Plus dad decided to take my allowance away and told me to get 50 euros to him because a cable stopped working and I was to blame..well It was my fault..i said I am sorry and I will pay for it...but...50 euros and no allowance for months? ...okey..then....
My mom cried today again,...that she feels so sorry ....he kept saying I am so sorry....becouse today is Saints Niclaus....and she saw families buying candies and everything for their kids..and she wasnt able to buy as a chocolate..because of that bastard not giving her the money...I feel bad.. I told her many times its ok..tat we are not kids anymore..but she consist that it doesnt matter and thats she is our mom...she wants to do that..but she cant.... i have no idea what will happen tomorrow....

not a single idea...whatt dad will do when nothing will be baught....we will see...I am as sure not gonan be quiet about everything... If I have to I will tell him I feel sorry for him that he takes money away from his kid..on december... the money he didnt earn but was given by his family and friends on his birthday....that he should be ashamed....

If I have to I will say that.. I dont care of the consequnces.. I just want to let him now how terrible person he is....I feel sorry for him


....Back to my boyfriend,see ya

Having your grandmother(dads mom) at the hospital and not knowing about it is not a good feeling at all...after she came visit us 2 weeks ago we hadn't heard from her....today she called...she called that if the ambulance wouldn't come to her on Friday..she would probably died next day...but luckily she didn't...dad knew about all of it..that she i in the hospital...he decided to keep it to himself and live on.....today she called...crying..that she wants to see us..Tjaša and me and my mom for the last time...that everybody is visiting her except us...that she only want to see us and we are not coming....

TOO BAD and incredibly unethical and just disgusting thing dad did....he kept that my grandmother is dying at the hospital for himself....
grandma said she was there on Saturday and Sunday to visit her...he should tell us and take us with him..its OUR grandmother for the fucking sake! MY GRANDMOTHER .. you disgust me...thinking of only yourself....if anything happened to her.. I am blaming you for not seeing her....

tomorrow we are going to visit her...me,tjaša and mom...we wont tell dad...
I love my grandmother..she was always kind to me and I respect her....but she raised her son terribly...maybe it not her fault...its more of..the lack of a  father figure...

I just know I am not prepared to say goodbye...I never lost anyone close to me...anyone...I don't know how to deal with grief....

I just know I am not ready...not yet...I love you

back to today....My grandmother...my dads mother....she is having cancer.... I have never lost anyone in my life...except my sister who I didnt know... she was gone before I was born....so i have no diea how do I deal with the pain of loosing someone close

My grandma loves me...and I love her... I cant say she was always good to me or my mom...but i know she loves me...when my mom got my beloved sister who passed ....she told my mom to quickly get away from the apartment cuz she cant stand a noises of a crying baby....

since that my mom hasnt had a good relationship with her...

well my grandma is really in bad condition...cancer in her lungs,livers and she is really frail...

She came to visit us last weekend said...she wanted to because she doesnt have a good feeling..and it may be the last time she sees us ....

she was really fragile... with one complaint she had....that she is not feeling well..my dad tarted yelling at her that she is stupid and whining all the time ...stuff like that

my dad often yells on her mom...alot...for everything wrong she yeels at her..when she forgot how to call someone on the mobile phone ,he yelled...when she said she cant visit us cuz she is not feeling good..he yelled...

after this week i hadnt heard from her since...till today

dad wasnt even that good enough to tell us...me and my sister..or mom that our grandmother is in hospital...for a serious operation....

we had to find out from one of my grandmothers friends...

I started this blog to confess things I cant confess to anyone else...not my friends..no my family...not even my boyfriend...cuz i dont want to worry them....

with that I guess i confessed I am gay...well I dont know what I am..i hate putting lables on people...even myself..

No one knows..and I wont like to put off that burden till the right time comes ....

I wish this wont be my last post... I wish I will come back...

But for now...Goodbye

G

My mom never imagined life a she has now...being a slave to her husband...sleeping on a small couch....cooking and cleaning then getting yelled and beaten up..... embarrassment of what others thing.....

She told me today..she has to put fake smiles on every day...but the thing she wants to do is cry...and cry all the time...

that it hurts to stand there and listen to her friends and coworkers talk about where they went with their husband and how fun they had together...when my mom doesnt have anything good to add...and she has to lie and say stuff that sometimes embarrass her..

My mom is a beautiful women...inside and out.... she doesnt desever anything like this...she deserves much more....she told us that she had many guys when she was young that she could end up with that are great guys today....happy guys...

and that she didnt ...cuz she was in love with my dad....

today..she is sad...and thinking what a fool she was...she regrets every moment with him

but she would do it all over again,she says....because of us...me and my sister..

My mom is my heart... is my love..is my whole life... She means everything to me..and it hurts...

hurt to see her like this....

One day will come when I can bring back the smile..the real smile...on her face....thats the day I will take her away from here..and the day she wont see him again...

thats the day that we all will be happy

G

Beginning

Life Doesnt always turn out what u plan to be....Like my mom said... She had a chance to get out....everyone told her to go...my grandma said " Go now while you have a chance.Now nothing ties you to him...go!" but she didnt listen....

My mom calles it fate...but its not fate...its foolishness and blindness..

Before my grandma said what I said earlier ..my mom was pregnant with a girl..... supposedly she looked like me...blue eyes...blond hair....white teeths..well everyone has white teeth...hmm... back to the topic..yea

after she was born in 1993 on December 14th she stayed awake for few more weeks till she feel back asleep because she couldnt catch a breath anymore.....my mom was devastated.everyone was...

You never really get over a death of your first daughter..you never get over a death of your kid....

After few weeks..my mom and dad had an argument and they split up.....my grandma and everyone told her to go away because now is the chance...but mom didnt listen....

mom went back....where after a year she got pregnant with two beautiful twins...my sister and me...

when we were born...my mom was happy...she still is...she thinks we are the blessing send from god because when she lost one child now she gained two...

My mom is a great women...a women who honestly wouldnt hurt anyone..who would give the last penny in her beg to someone to make his day better...my mom is an angel...

At the night we were born she asked my dad to buy some water for her and some diapers for us....

insted he went to the bar and celebrated our birth with friends...leaving mom alone...she then called my granddad who took care of us..bought us stuff we need....

my grandad...an angel...well my grandmom and mom describeh im as very stricht when they were a kid....and my grandma..uff she gets angry at him every minute....she is an amzing cook and he is the only one who doesnt compiments her on her cooking..and she get angry.showing him fingers and tongue when he goes...funny guys :D

but I see my grandad as a great person...he makes me smile and he always has a good advice...

If i can call anyone my dad / father it would be him..no one else

I kinda lost myself with where I was going but I will find and collect my though again...

There is so much that needs to be told...but lets consider this as a beginning...

With love and respect

G

The Beginning

But with everything there must be a start...there must a beginning of some kind...and this is mine...

Today my mom came to me crying about having no one to tell this to.. she doent want to tell my grandmother becouse she will worry...he mother in law isn't an option either...and she doent want to tell her friends...My mom works at the store...she doesnt have much salary but what every she earnes she gives to dad to pay the bills and other things to us...me and my sister...

Today she told me that she cant livel iek this for long..she bagged and cried in front of me..she begged god that he inflict my dad with some kind of accident that would make him not ever come back....might be cruel lie she told me...but its not...its the best thing for all of us...

MY father or whoever this person is...has been since day one a terrible person...he beats up my mom....my sister and me....

he gets angry by every little thing....he is not satisfied with anything.....

my mom has not slept in her room in years now becouse he threw her out..she is sleeping in the couch for a long time now.....she doesnt have a room...

she cooks,cleans,and does everything thats needed to be done...while my dad is on computer watching tv,get up,eats and goes back to sleep...

when something is wrong....like trash not taken out before they are full ..he would get angry...threw the trash and hit someone...thats his way of showing u who is the boss

he told my mom today she is not living here...that she is nothing but a tenant to her.....

my mom...my angelic mom...she is near the breakdown.... I am scared she will do something to her.....and there is nothing that I can do about it....

maybe thats not a beggining ...there is so much that needs to be said....so much that needs to be heard...and so much that I feel I have to answer

But Thats How Far I Came

G

That How Far I Came

After a day I had...something triggered in me to start a blog...

to tell someone even if no one is listening...to look back at it one day and to be proud on myself on how far I came...

My life was never sunny or made in flowers....my life ..my childhood was ruined by a person I have to call my father.

Since the moment I was born he was nothing but a person who caused pain on me and my family...It hurts... It hurts to see how far things have come...but I smile of the things I went through.

My dad is a person who I dont have a tiny bit respect for....a person who I feel pity for...a person who I have nothing but hatred for...my ....my...my nothing.

After the day I had..I realize this cant go on for much long....It hurts to see my mom crying ...it hurts to see no one cares....

My mom...an angel...a true angel...Today she came to me in tears

I am scared.....there is so much you need to know to understand anything I said....so much everyone needs to understand but I just cant find a way to put it in words....

This is NOT a blog about happiness....this is NOT a blog about happy endings.......this is NOT a blog about forgiveness....this is a blog about family and hard things we went through and a blog about me...my life...my day...because at the end of it all....There is me...standing here...and me who will look back and say *Thats how far I came*

G