My love

I was watching this drama TV show ....and there was a quote there..that reminded me of ..... you Nicky ...

*Bay, You are the one place in my life I can go to get away from everything. My island in the sea of divorce.
The island of Bay.*


You are my rock.... I am living in your island ...Nic's island... Island of Nic...surrounded by the sea of my parents fighting,my drama...

You are the only place I feel welcomed and safe at.


Thank you for that...
I love you with everything that I am..

I love you

Lost in the darkness and tears

After almost 2 months of keeping my peace...and trying to step away... I decided to ... pour out what i feel again.

A lot has happened in this two months... I am still going strong with my lovely boyfriend...but more on a serious site...an Asthma was confirmed for me.

A bad asthma.. I have check ins every 3 months...medications 2 a day...for the rest of my life...

It sucks..it absolutely does..

Especially when u have a father at home..who cares absolutely nothing about you.

I got a little coughing attack today...it was almost nothing.
When you have him come to my room for making noise and hitting you for that...you start to think..
I am worthless...what can I do..how can I control that...ITs hard... definitely hard...

I am just a teenager...i shouldn't be going thru stuff like this so early on...so quick...
I shouldn't have grown up in fear of someone..grown up with a terrible childhood...

All i can remember is my times with grandma and mom...then days..when i was a kid...when he hit me...
Me crying in my room for hours...me ... asking and begging him to stop...him threatening me...

All those memories are so much bigger in my mind then happy ones...

And today...today..him doing this...for his own sake...its...sad..

Sometimes I loose hope for me...but there is so much that keeps me going on.

I dont want that for me.. I really dont..but all I can say to myself...

I want to go... I want to leave...I want to run...

I just want peace....
Here..In earth.. I will never ever take my life if thas what you are wondering.. I just
need to find a way...some way to leave this place...as soon as possible..cuz dealing with me...my life..my problmes..my heatl...and my father...Its too big of a burden that i have to handle...

My mom doesn't..no one doesn't do it for me
My mom is afraid...I am afraid...

So i end up protecting myself...healing my wound....hiding it from people....making lies...
when everyone around me is ignoring it....

I just want to leave...

I am happy I found someone to bring smile to my face.. I really am...Even if he is miles away from me..he is my light in the darkness...literally...
My life is nothing but darkness...
Ignoring.. painful...scaring darkness..

... sometimes its hard to handle it on my own...with no help....with no hands...but my own...

I know I have him...but still I am alone here..

I want to leave this place...I am scared... hopeless...and unhappy... I am miserable..

I love you my sunshine,thank you for being always near me...with me...thank you for still staying with me even with that huge baggage i am bearing...thank you for loving me...

Being left alone..is never something anyone wants..and i get to experiences it quite a few times...by my own mother...sister and my father...
when something happens like what happened today... I totally loose hope for everything..for me..my future and for me to ever get better....
Just having this pain inside me...the sadness..but also the angriness that grows inside me...
I feel helpless...Its gets worse when you have no one there at that moment who is willing to be there for you till you get better..who is willing to constantly try to bring back the smile.....I feel left alone.. I feel sad... I feel terrible..  I only hope somehow tomorrow gets better...somehow my mod changes...somehow..someone makes me happy... and I know it will...

At times like today... I feel hopeless... I feel sad... I feel lonely...

‎2011 is the year that went by so fast, maybe a little too fast. It's the year your so called friend walks out of your life, and it's the year u realise who the real ones are. it's the year you left the most pressure to the point where u gave up so many times but u're still learning how to get back up. it's the year u said u were going to accomplish great things yet u feel like u just wasted time. it's the year u cried over too many pointless things, too many times... it's the year u look back on all the lifetime memories in which u find yourself missing the people in them. But it's also the year u move on, slowly, and u realise that is okay. :)

Hi... I am still kinda new at this...I said to my boyfriend...if i can steal 10 minute from him..so i need to be quick....

I wanna recap my week...well my last few days...well not mine..my families....

Mom and Dad....arguing ALL the time...well dad is arguing on her..she has to be quiet...
so ...my mom doesnt get alot of salary...she works at the store...and everything she gets..she has to give for the bills and school and bus tickets...plus dad gives her 100 euros to pay for food...
dad decided to not give her any money anymore....my mom stopped buying food for him..today dad was pissed at her and threatened her that if she doesnt go buy some new bread(there is bread at home just 2 days old) she will see... I think i know what he meant by that..but lets  continue with this...

my mom wont buy a thing...she cant...she doesnt have the money...because my dad pays the pills on the pc...using my moms bank account..my mom wants to go to the back to cancel that...i recommended her not to..because....well that will make things worse...
Plus dad decided to take my allowance away and told me to get 50 euros to him because a cable stopped working and I was to blame..well It was my fault..i said I am sorry and I will pay for it...but...50 euros and no allowance for months? ...okey..then....
My mom cried today again,...that she feels so sorry ....he kept saying I am so sorry....becouse today is Saints Niclaus....and she saw families buying candies and everything for their kids..and she wasnt able to buy as a chocolate..because of that bastard not giving her the money...I feel bad.. I told her many times its ok..tat we are not kids anymore..but she consist that it doesnt matter and thats she is our mom...she wants to do that..but she cant.... i have no idea what will happen tomorrow....

not a single idea...whatt dad will do when nothing will be baught....we will see...I am as sure not gonan be quiet about everything... If I have to I will tell him I feel sorry for him that he takes money away from his kid..on december... the money he didnt earn but was given by his family and friends on his birthday....that he should be ashamed....

If I have to I will say that.. I dont care of the consequnces.. I just want to let him now how terrible person he is....I feel sorry for him


....Back to my boyfriend,see ya

Having your grandmother(dads mom) at the hospital and not knowing about it is not a good feeling at all...after she came visit us 2 weeks ago we hadn't heard from her....today she called...she called that if the ambulance wouldn't come to her on Friday..she would probably died next day...but luckily she didn't...dad knew about all of it..that she i in the hospital...he decided to keep it to himself and live on.....today she called...crying..that she wants to see us..Tjaša and me and my mom for the last time...that everybody is visiting her except us...that she only want to see us and we are not coming....

TOO BAD and incredibly unethical and just disgusting thing dad did....he kept that my grandmother is dying at the hospital for himself....
grandma said she was there on Saturday and Sunday to visit her...he should tell us and take us with him..its OUR grandmother for the fucking sake! MY GRANDMOTHER .. you disgust me...thinking of only yourself....if anything happened to her.. I am blaming you for not seeing her....

tomorrow we are going to visit her...me,tjaša and mom...we wont tell dad...
I love my grandmother..she was always kind to me and I respect her....but she raised her son terribly...maybe it not her fault...its more of..the lack of a  father figure...

I just know I am not prepared to say goodbye...I never lost anyone close to me...anyone...I don't know how to deal with grief....

I just know I am not ready...not yet...I love you

back to today....My grandmother...my dads mother....she is having cancer.... I have never lost anyone in my life...except my sister who I didnt know... she was gone before I was born....so i have no diea how do I deal with the pain of loosing someone close

My grandma loves me...and I love her... I cant say she was always good to me or my mom...but i know she loves me...when my mom got my beloved sister who passed ....she told my mom to quickly get away from the apartment cuz she cant stand a noises of a crying baby....

since that my mom hasnt had a good relationship with her...

well my grandma is really in bad condition...cancer in her lungs,livers and she is really frail...

She came to visit us last weekend said...she wanted to because she doesnt have a good feeling..and it may be the last time she sees us ....

she was really fragile... with one complaint she had....that she is not feeling well..my dad tarted yelling at her that she is stupid and whining all the time ...stuff like that

my dad often yells on her mom...alot...for everything wrong she yeels at her..when she forgot how to call someone on the mobile phone ,he yelled...when she said she cant visit us cuz she is not feeling good..he yelled...

after this week i hadnt heard from her since...till today

dad wasnt even that good enough to tell us...me and my sister..or mom that our grandmother is in hospital...for a serious operation....

we had to find out from one of my grandmothers friends...

I started this blog to confess things I cant confess to anyone else...not my friends..no my family...not even my boyfriend...cuz i dont want to worry them....

with that I guess i confessed I am gay...well I dont know what I am..i hate putting lables on people...even myself..

No one knows..and I wont like to put off that burden till the right time comes ....

I wish this wont be my last post... I wish I will come back...

But for now...Goodbye

G